Elizabeth Louise

I’m a a little too sensitive, it’s a little too hard to shake
A little too paranoid I won’t be what it takes
My smile sits politely in the background of your mind
I’m a little too comfortable that I’m a secret they won’t find
Her eyes graze mine in the depth of the nighttime crowd
And I’m a little too insecure that she’ll be what he once found

I’m a little too new for this hidden kind of fear
Far too exposed for a single, wayward tear
His eyes meet mine as a smile will grace his lips
But I’m far too concerned I won’t be his nighttime kiss
His hand holds mine politely as we walk 
The wind hides the silence as both refuse to talk 

I’m a little too sensitive, it’s a little too hard to fake
A little too upset that I can’t be what this takes
His requests sit politely in the forefront of my mind
I’m a little uncomfortable that I’m not what he hopes to find
I’m a little too sensitive, it’s a little too hard to shake
A little too paranoid I won’t be what it takes. 

Laughing, dancing, crying, hating, loving… I thought we’d be side by side, laughing til’ the end, playing pretend….

living the dream we’d dreamt for years,

soothing each other of our childish fears, 

they ask me what happened - what went wrong ,

and all I can tell them is that we didn’t belong, 

there was nothing unusual about our endless bond,

standing tall - always a little too strong, 

if I told you I didn’t want it to turn out this way,

that I dream of the past sometimes living in a daze,

I inspired for freedom and for a golden dream,

you excelled when you created your dramatic scene,

there’s not much left of our world laying dead,

too much hatred in the words we never said,

I didn’t explain to you why I needed to leave,

but my words were never something you’d truly need,

broken hearted and left out in the cold,

your eyes are that of a story too old ,

you broke his heart and laughed in the wind,

You took my trust to lay cold with your sins,

Left out to dry - we stood naked in the breeze,

Those boys will always have you down on your knees,

Self punishment, loathing, your eyes are glass,

And I told you, I warned you, nothing would last,

They spoke of envy - we told them we’d always believe,

We owned our spot - we were always the queens,

I rode out of town and left you to wallow in your truth,

I’ll never forget you, I’ll always regret you, I’ll always need you, I fucking loathe you.

A day which felt too normal fast became too real
A few more questions linger before we align the seal
If you could tell us what you were thinking, tell me, would you?
If we had just one more day, would you let us hear the truth?

A glint of his soul through sparkling eyes
A smile painted perfectly for a permanent disguise
His heart too pure for honesty, a heart too pure for pain
Now we close our eyes where your memories remain

Far too many tears with answers in the air
Screaming to the skies that life just isn’t fair
There’s whispers in the wind with a promise bound and kept
Those who live and love you are those you quickly left
There’s not much room for tears as confusion sweeps by
Another drawn out day, but for you a wish to fly

A glint of his soul through sparkling eyes
A smile painted perfectly for a permanent disguise
His heart too pure for honesty, a heart too pure for pain
Now we close our eyes where these memories will play

I’ve never met a soul so genuinely unique
A friend, a brother, a son with no words left to speak
Memories crashing down of a friendship formed so fast
A bond which remained, regardless of how time passed
A movie without sound plays before my eyes
So tell me, how do we ever start to say goodbye?

A glint of his soul through sparkling eyes
A smile painted perfectly for a permanent disguise
His heart too pure for honesty, a heart too pure for pain
Now we close our eyes where your memories remain
A heart perhaps too fragile, a soul perhaps too big
Now we close our eyes where your memories will live

Wow, what a week. I’m not one to wish my life away, but I want this week to be done already. I’m not even completely excited about going overseas yet, possibly because it hasn’t hit me that I’m actually going, but possibly because it’s hard to feel excited right now. I’m not sure why I’m writing this… I don’t really do the typical “diary entry” blog style post… but I feel like a million emotions are trapped inside of me and they aren’t even coming out in song. On Friday, an old friend who I’ve known since I was 15 decided to take his life and on Saturday I was helping to raise funds for a friend who is fighting for his life and I’m sitting here confused out of my mind. I’ve asked the wind a million questions as to why he did took such a beautiful soul away from this world, if it was really what he wanted, if it was just the alcohol taking over his mind or if he had planned it for a while. When we were teenagers he would tell me reasons why life was hard for whatever teenage reason, but we’d chat and I’d explain he had so much to live for. He had his friends and he had his music. He was always so talented when it came to music, and naturally so. A songwriter, a musician and a vocalist - he had so much going for him. He had a group of friends who were so loyal and so willing to help him whenever he would need…and he always seemed so happy after school had finished. So why did he take that final, fatal step? I’m so confused.

Regrets are swirling through my mind. I regret not going to his house party a couple of months ago, I regret not staying with him longer last time I saw him out, I regret that the all ages show I was planning to put on and include his band never came to fruition and most of all, I regret that we never made the time to follow through with our plan to write a song together. He had so much emotion, so much depth and so much love inside of him. Such a genuine person. I went through our facebook trail the other day reading our posts to each other, then I went through my phone and read our texts. I’ve gone through so many memories in my head - staying up late talking to him on MSN in high school - talking about how no one really “understood” our taste in music, his love and devotion to Marilyn Manson, his will to succeed in music and his longing for a girl who shared to same devotions in life as he did. He just wanted to be understood, he wanted to feel loved.

Can you see how many people are posting on your facebook wall telling you they miss you? Telling you that they’re scared, they’re hurting and they’re sorry you felt you had no other place to run to? So why did you do it? Surely you knew how loved you were. Surely you saw how many friends would move the world to help you? If you didn’t… then I hope you do now. I want to call you selfish and I want to be angry at you, but I can’t. I can’t bring myself to be angry at you because I know what a beautiful soul you had, and you woudln’t ever willingly cause pain to other people - but you have. Apparently you’ve tried this before, apparently it was what you wanted…. if this is true and it is what you deeply and truly wanted, then I hope you’ve found peace. I hope that wherever you are, you’ve found some sort of happiness you were never able to find on earth.

Thank you for showing my 15 year old self that it was okay to like “Strange” music, that it was okay to say exactly what you wanted to say, that it was okay to express your opinion and stand up for yourself. Thank you for being a friend, for being one of those friends who you don’t see all the time, but whom you still have contact with. Thank you for showing me your music and telling me that I need to pursue mine. Thank you for helping me with my confidence. Thank you for reading my poems, for staying up late and chatting with me and for understanding what I meant most of the time. I didn’t see you as much as I would have liked to, but through social media and texts, we still stayed in touch. I have so many memories and questions swirling through my head that I need to leave at bay. I’ll always remember you. I’ll listen to your music and remember your passion of a world you wanted so much to be part of. I’ll miss knowing that I could see you at the next gig, I’ll miss you messaging me to go and get drunk with you, I’ll miss talking to you about music and your band. Wherever you are and whatever journey you’re on right now, I hope you’re smiling with a peace in your heart which you deserve so much. Goodbye Brett, rest easy with peace in your soul.

Inner truth hidden in the depths of a sigh
The taste of desire just a little too high
I’ve got this little peep show and you’ve got the coins
A glimpse of my soul instead of stripped out loins
A mind stripped empty but filled with a dream
And I’m sitting here praying you’re all that you seem

Dancing with chance but this balance is so new
And all that I can say is that it must be you
There’s a leap in my step and a bounce to my words
Collectively sounding like I’ve cleaned out the dirt
There’s a scent in the air like the innocence of youth
And all I can say is that it must be you

The pavement seems endless as we speak of our lives
Sharing memories like our worlds were always combined
Oh this is the time, this is the perfect place
You’re the perfect soul and this is our perfect place
The look in your eyes and the tingle in my skin
Oh this is the feeling when it comes from within

Dancing with chance but this balance is so new
And all that I can say is that it must be you
There’s a leap in my step and a bounce to my words
Collectively sounding like I’ve cleaned out the dirt
There’s a smell in the air like the innocence of youth
And all I can say is that it must be you

I’d be silly, such a fool, if I let this slide by
Oh I’d be stupid if I ignored that truth in your sigh
Theres a sure sense of clarity in the warmth of your touch
Your stories are clean and your sins are just enough

Dancing with chance but this balance is so new
And all that I can say is that it must be you
There’s a leap in my step and a bounce in my words
Collectively sounding like I’ve cleaned out the dirt
There’s a smell in the air like the innocence of youth
And all I can say is that it must be you

These memories I don’t own are breaking my heart
Shaken up, ripped up and torn apart
Adopt my shattered pieces and build them a home
Take me away from these memories I don’t own

A closed up wound ripped open to bare
I guess I’m not okay with what needs to be shared
A surface thick with an image of content
From the nice accepting girl, I need to repent
Words too sharp for the edge of my skin
Images I don’t need are bleeding within

These memories I don’t own are breaking my heart
Shaken up, ripped up and torn apart
Adopt my shattered pieces and build them a home
Take me away from these memories I don’t own

There’s a line in the sand drawn with a smile
This simple readjustment could take a while
I’m building a wall but it wasn’t my intention
I’ll hide in this corner til’ I find my prevention
Choking my doubts trying to find a truth
Trusting always came so easy with you
I’ll make sure my smile is louder than my thoughts
This wall will fall down when my mind becomes a bore

These memories I don’t own are tearing me down
Searching for the truth in this world I’ve found
Take my shattered pieces so I’m not here alone
Take me away from these memories I don’t own

A pocket full of happiness, a bucket full of pride
A pocket full of everything I can’t seem to hide
A sleeve too long with my heart stitched on tight
A pocket full of wrongs need to find their right

A sunlit cloud in the darkest of nights
The cleanest soul in the dirtiest fight
Trees too tall and the corner view is blocked
A pocket full of envy for a heart too shocked
A lustful eye caught out in the act
A bold, simple statement which needs to retract
Humanity reigns in the act of the night
A pocket full of tears I need to fight

A pocket full of happiness, a bucket full of pride
A pocket full of everything I can’t seem to hide
A sleeve too long with my heart stitched on tight
A pocket full of wrongs with a fight for their rights

Magnifying the truth in the distant path
A pocketful of words from an isolated past
Shoulders weighted under a world of doubt
Tears of surrender when the words are let out
A pocket full of too much which needs to die
A heart full of blissfulness which needs to fly

I’ve got a pocket full of lust for a lifetime of love
A pocket full of words that I need to trust
Your eyes meet mine and I need to know
This pocket full of happiness we’ll never let go

A pocket full of happiness, a bucket full of pride
A pocket full of everything I can’t seem to hide
A sleeve too long with my heart stitched on tight
A pocket full of truths to make everything right

Let me start with an outline of the Oxford Dictionary definition of opinion:  1a) “noun: A view or judgement formed about something, not necessarily based on fact or knowledge: That, in my opinion……” 1b) “the beliefs or views of a group or majority of people” 1c) “an estimation of the quality or worth of someone or something: I had a higher opinion of myself than I deserved”.
 
Art is just that, it is art.  In whichever form it presents itself and in whichever way it is perceived, the author of that piece of art most likely had a personal meaning they wished to express.  Whether that meaning be intended or open to interpretation is that of another matter, and whether that piece of art holds a deep and personal meaning or is simply a piece of expression is at the authors discretion.  The fact remains that the meaning is that of a personal nature.  Unless you are the author and you deem your art to be “bad” or “terrible” in accordance with your personal standards, no one has the right to tell another that their art, and therefore their personal meaning behind that art, is “bad”, “terrible” or “doesn’t make sense”.  I am using the term “art” in a general sense spanning from visible art and physical art to verbal and audible art.  That is, whether it be a painting, the way someone arranges their outfit, a movie or a song or an arrangement of music, it is all art.

I will now refine my discussion of art to the discussion of music. I am constantly blown away by how many people think they hold the right to state that someone, or a group of people, makes “bad music”.  I acknowledge that in most cases the person making the statement doesn’t necessarily mean “bad” or “terrible” in a literal sense, but rather that they aren’t enjoying what they hear.  Lately, however, I have become witness to people who use the terms “bad” or “terrible” in a literal sense, placing themselves as the sole judger of the music they hear often claiming that if one should enjoy such music they deem as “bad”, then that person has “no taste in music”.  Many consumers of country music would say that they don’t enjoy rock or heavy metal and vice versa.  Within this, I have lately heard many people who claim to be music aficionado’s state that pop music is “mindless”, “senseless” and “dead”.  If one were to ask that person in the next breath if they enjoy such artists as The Beatles, they would most likely say yes (having conducted somewhat of a personal survey, 9 times out of 10 these types of people would say they are inspired by The Beatles, or that The Beatles were one of the first bands they heard as a child and are consequently a fan of their music).  It has been documented that The Beatles were the band who revolutionised pop music and are critically acclaimed as the first major successful “boy band” of popular music history.  It is natural for those who consider themselves to belong to a certain genre of music to not have an outward appreciation or like of other genres of music.  My question, however, is why do people feel they hold the right to tell people that the types of music that they don’t personally enjoy are “bad” or “terrible”? 
 
It takes personal strength to admit when you are wrong or when you have offended someone, and I myself have fallen victim to saying “oh that was terrible” or “that band shouldn’t be signed to a major label” – to which I have then corrected myself and stated “it’s just not my thing”.  With the emergence of pop sensation One Direction comes the emergence of self-righteous, again self proclaimed music aficionados’, stating that the band are “terrible” and that their music should not receive commercial air play.  I assume that most would agree I am correct in using the term “pop sensation” to describe the band One Direction. I will clarify this statement with the fact that their first single “What Makes You Beautiful” released in September of 2011 came record breaking pre-sales for Sony Music and entered the UK Music charts at number 1.  This, my friends, is a music sensation and within their genre of pop, makes them a pop sensation.  I will admit that I wouldn’t consider myself a general consumer of the music produced by such boy bands, but I can definitely appreciate their talent.  I mean, who can really deny the talent of a band who are causing what can only be described as a worldwide commotion with extra security measures being enforced at every airport they fly into just to keep their fans at bay. 
 
On the same token, I have heard people say they dislike heavier music due to the fact that they can’t understand the words of the song.  This is a completely fair statement and one that I would never debate.  Recently I had someone ask what I was listening to, and when I took my headphones out to let them listen to the band (who, to give you an idea of the circumstance, was Boston hardcore band Converge) the person’s response was “that is the worst thing I’ve ever heard”.  I simply chuckled at this statement and said “it’s not for everyone.”  Instead of leaving it there, the person proceeded to tell me that they thought Converge were “terrible”, “point less” and “shouldn’t even be making music” and  told me I shouldn’t be wasting my time “listening to such rubbish”.  My question to that person was “If you don’t like the music, then that’s totally fine and you don’t have to listen to it, but what gives you the right to tell me what I should and shouldn’t listen to, and to make a bold statement such as ‘that music is terrible’?”  To be honest, I was highly offended.  This person listens pop, hip-hop, rap and country music, all genres which I wouldn’t say I consume on a regular basis. Never have I told this person that they shouldn’t listen to such music, or that the music is terrible, even though I personally don’t enjoy what I hear.  The reason I outline what music this person listens to on a daily basis is to outline the fact that we clearly have different tastes in music.  However, as stated above, I have never once told this person that what they listen to is “terrible” – because quite simply it isn’t.  No, I don’t enjoy it, and I probably wouldn’t actively listen to it, but never would I tell that person that they are wasting their time listening to a type of music which clearly they enjoy and which makes them happy. 
 
In such a modern world, I am constantly questioning the human race and why so many of us feel we have the right to express our opinions in such an outwardly offensive manner.  Please, express your opinions and have your say, but be mindful when doing so.  Art is such a beautiful thing and I personally hold what I feel to be a deep, true and inner passion for music.  If you feel you hold a similar passion, then please, if you fall victim to making such statements as “that is terrible music”, think twice.  Appreciate art for what it is, a beautiful and true expression of oneself.  If we can’t have world peace, then let’s at least have appreciation and peace within the realms of art and music.   
 

This one was written quite some time ago and I’ve just decided to put music to it.

I miss you, but you’re here by my side
I’m cold, it’s dark, and we can’t get this right
Do you ever close your eyes and pretend
Just to see how we’d survive at the end?
Picture your life on a lonesome road
With nothing but memories to call your home

Oh tell me you see me when I stand before your eyes
That it’s only the situation, not me you despise
Oh tell me we can walk away from this hateful trend
Write the closing words to the chapters end
Tell me we can close the book and still know how to breathe
Because I can’t feel the future when you are all I see

I’m running in circles to get my story straight
Tired of telling you I’m just working late
I don’t want to see you and you don’t want to talk
so why we’re sitting in this silent war?
You don’t want to fight, but you owe me your words
I don’t care if you scream and I don’t care if it hurts

Oh tell me you see me when I stand before your eyes
That it’s only the situation, not me you despise
Oh tell me we can walk away from this hateful trend
Write the closing words to the chapters end
Tell me we can close the book and still know how to breathe
Because I can’t feel the future when you are all I see

I speak, you walk, this stays on repeat
An old routine we can’t seem to leave
A garbage bag of clothes is how this ends
I guess we’re no longer playing pretend

Oh tell me you see me when I stand before your eyes
That it’s only the situation, not me you despise
Oh tell me we can walk away from this hateful trend
Write the closing words to the chapters end
Tell me we can close the book and still know how to breathe
Because I can’t feel the future when you are all I see
©Elizabeth Louise 2010

Some days, my mind is consumed by memories and there’s no way through the tears. Violet Dorothy Browne, here’s another one for you.

This old routine has me consumed
Seems like I’m throwing out the new
Just to get back to that place in my mind
I’d do anything, say anything, just to find

There was a time as a little girl
I had a dream of deep white pearls
And you were there, always by my side
No one warned me, they just let me smile
And now I’m lost in a mist of white
Without you here, I’m trapped in time

With memories of golden laced in black
I’d pay my soul if they could take me back
Just one more word, just one more laugh
A few more moments to make them last
I’ll carry these memories for a million miles
Of golden promises and Violet Smiles

“I’ll see you next year, I’ll save up hard
I promise I’ll come back, it’s not that far”
A promise made with intention to keep
Too scared to talk, too scared to sleep
Words underlined with a hidden tear
Sitting in my corner with unseen fears
Trying not to fall apart before their eyes
Staying strong has become my disguise

Your voice in the distance, phone in hand
There wasn’t much not to understand
Pen to paper to tell you of my days
Whispers in the wind to wish you safe
I wish I could dial the same number again
I wish I could hear your voice just the same

I’ll carry your words in the depths of my soul
Remembering everything which made you whole
With memories of golden laced in black
I’d pay my soul if they could take me back
Just one more word, just one more laugh
A few more moments to make them last
I’ll carry these memories for a million miles
Of golden promises and Violet Smiles

A soul to pure to be pushed aside
Forgiveness a sin in the quest of life
A vision of certainty black and gold
Too much to let go of yet too much to hold

So tell me I’m drunk on a foolish dream
That nothing is ever as easy as it seems
Show me a life where simple things fly
That this foolish dream will die with time
And I will prove you wrong

Some of the greatest things never make sense
And I’m happy right now to sit on the fence
It separates green pastures from the other side
If I fall off my post I’ll dream to survive

So tell me I’m drunk on a foolish dream
That nothing’s ever as easy as it seems
Show me a life where simple things fly
That this foolish dream will die with time
And I will prove you wrong

They say good things come to those who wait
I say the hard yards are what paves the way
Show me a life where simple things fly
That this foolish dream will die with time
And I will prove you wrong

There’s a vision on the horizon just a little too far to reach
but there’s hope in the wind and it’s giving me light to see
there’s a voice in my head telling me to hold on tight
With one hand stretched out front, I’ve got my ticket to fly
I’m dreaming but I’m awake, I’m sorry for nothing
Finding positivity in the hopelessness confronting

And there’s always, always, always a way
I’m ignoring the signs in the words they say
There’s always a number, always a chance
There’s always a loop hole in life’s little dance

Holding myself up in the winds forward force
Searching for my reason as luck takes its course
One deep breath to greet this bottomless fear
Refusing to succumb to this self inflicted weir
One day you’ll turn around and something will fall into place
Bite the words on your tongue and try to save some face

And there’s always, always, always a way
It feels like I’m dreaming but I’m wide awake
There’s always a number, always a chance
There’s always a loop hole in life’s little dance

Tell me to be calm, that there’s a reason behind the door
Holding onto sanity as I pick myself up from the floor
This sign of introduction to the clarity of my mind
It’s getting harder to hold on as I’m getting harder to find

But there’s always, always, always a way
Where hope lays its head there’s room for change
There’s always a number, always a chance
There’s always a loop hole in life’s little dance
In this moment I’m frozen and lapsed in time
But there’s always a reason that’s there to find

There were times I found myself on the floor
Looking to the sky, praying for so much more
Fighting with my strength to hold on tight
Waiting for my tunnel to shed some light

Like a walking shadow straight from the dark
You spoke words of wisdom straight to my heart
Hand in hand we walked through the mist
I’d waited too long for something like this
You held me like no other had held me before
And I knew in that moment, you’re the key to my door

The walk through youth is a mixture unknown
Through happiness and pain, always searching for a home
The soul holds no boundaries for growth to settle in
Eyes telling a story from the depths of within

Like the flick of a switch, you made something change
With opened eyes, nothing could ever be the same
Pain of the past now holds it’s true meaning
Like paying your dues for the seasons changing
You held me like no other had held me before
And I knew in that moment, you’re the key to my door

The warmth of your touch like a glimmering sound
With nothing but prosperity and hope to be found
The look in your eyes when your smile seems so sure
In every waking moment, you’re the key to my door